The Haircut
BY A. G. Pasquella
Photo by Nick Demou/Pexels.
You’re looking a little shaggy there, but don’t worry, your ol’ Uncle A.G. is here to help. To start off, you’re going to need:
*A pair of scissors. Any ol’ scissors will do. Blunt-tipped child-proof? We can work with that. Rusty and old? That’s just fine. We all get old eventually.
*A razor. Ideally you got an old-fashioned straight razor lying around, preferably in a big glass jar filled with bright blue Barbicide but if not, rummage through your drawers until you find an extra safety razor or two. And maybe that can of lime-scented shaving cream you only used once. Lime-scented? Why’d you buy that?
*A jar of peanut butter. Chunky works best but in a pinch, smooth will do.
All righty! Let’s do the bangs first. What you want to do is cut dry hair, not wet, and use tiny vertical cuts. If you cut straight across in a horizontal line you’ll end up with what the pros call a “bowl cut” that might look adorable on a 1970s newspaper boy but might not be exactly the look you’re going for. Snip away! That’s it, a little more. Now even it out. Oops, okay, now just even out that part. Um… yeah. Good enough. Let’s move on!
The side of the head is no problem. What you want to do is lift up layers with a comb. Oh, I didn’t say you’d need a comb? Yeah. You need a comb. Lift up the layers and snip, using the comb as a guide. Whoa there! Start slow! You can always cut more but gluing on hair to make your hair look longer doesn’t work for long, believe me. First rainstorm and it’s gone.
Okay, good. Now do the other side. You got this! Snip, snip, snip. Keep moving the comb down until it’s just over the ear. Now the hair behind the ear is tricky. It’s hiding back there and it’s wily. Pinch it up in your fingers and snip. Don’t cut your ear off, now.
The back of the head is where it gets tricky. Get out your peanut butter and reach in there and pull out a whole handful. Rub it into the back of your head. Rub it in there real good, being sure to work in all those little nut bits. Good! Now stand on your back porch and whistle for the goats. You’ll have to bend down or at least sit in that ol’ rocker over there but those goats’ll make short work of the peanut butter and the hair on the back of your head, too.
Finally, spray the shaving foam on the back of your neck and shave off any stray hairs that might remain. All right! Get yourself a hand mirror and check out your new ’do!
There, now. No tears.
It’ll grow back.
A. G. PASQUELLA is the author of the Jack Palace series from Dundurn Press. He also makes music with the bands Miracle Beard and LASERGNU. He lives in Toronto.